I've been complaining a lot lately...

I've been thinking too much and I feel a little unhappy. That thing shouldn't be a problem but IT IS for me.

Sometimes, I really want to give up and stop dreaming. However, that dream brings happiness to me so I don't really want to give up.

Anyway, I've relied too much on it and now it has become back fire. I've put too much of my feeling on it until I can't pull myself out.

Actually, all the problems come from myself, my brain. What for I feel unhappy for something that is none of my business? Don't I have something better to care?

Yes, I do but I don't seem to care about it. My world has turned upsidedown.

There's only way that can make me feel better, however, it doesn't seem to come true...

and...so what if it comes true? It's not my business, but, I really wish for it.

Fight-O

This is the first time I studied until 3am.

I got very tired of life sometimes.

There are too many things that I don't want to see but it appears right in front of me.

There are too many things that I don't want it to happen but it has happened or happening.

Well, guess I've to be patient and there is still long way to go.... Seriously, I've to learn "LET IT GO" attitude. There are too many things that I can't let them go, therefore I find myself unhappy all the time. :(

Life is learning process. Just learn it slowly ~ And I'll always remember Yankumi's quote.

"FIGHT-O"

Problems

Many problems in my life need to be settled now...

Sometimes, I really feel tired with my life. I usually feel low spirit in the morning for some reasons.

I feel like this world is very sad and lonely. Few days ago, I couldn't even sleep thinking about my father's action. I kept thinking "Why does he do this to my mom and my family?". Seeing other have good father make me wish to have one. I want a father that willings to protect me but too bad this will be always stay as a dream. I have told myself not to care about him for countless time and what he does is not my business but this is really something very difficult to do. I will feel burning heart everytime I see him treat his godson/goddaughter goodly. It's not like I want him to torture them but just please treat me equally too. Well, I don't demand for something that can't be achieved but it's hard to control my feeling though. Actually, I have already used to this. I'm 17 now and I thought I can overcome this but it's just like when you get older, the hatred gets stronger too. Oh, crap! I'm not going to say this anymore...

The second problem is I can't decide on which college is the best for me and I should go to!!! Actually, I still have plenty of time to think since I have chosen to start my college life in March but my mother is sort of forcing me to decide now because they will give RM300 discount for registration in this month. I still have few days left to make my decision!

The third problem! I've lost my trial result paper. I heard they will gonna to use this for registration. Haiz, I feel headache now....Guess I don't have choice now but call to the receptionist and ask for help.

Fifth, this is something really stupid! The inner side of me created this problem for me. Guess what? I'm afraid of ageing! I never thought I would concern about this because I used to confort many girls not to worry about ageing but now I've become just like them! I'm really afraid of reaching 40. Not only myself but my idols such as Lam Fung and Teppei! Yes, maybe it's still too early for me to think because Lam Fung is just 30 and Teppei is still young. But....I'm watching Lam Fung to grow year by year. I started to like him when he was just 21 and with a blink of eyes, he is already 30. Wow, I'm afraid to blink my eyes for the second time. Somehow, I think myself is a weird guy. A really weird guy. This problem wasn't a problem for me but why, now, it becomes a problem for me? I know this is the process of so called LIFE. Someone will be born and has to face illness and then death. Actually, I've thought an answer for why am I afraid of reaching 40...

I think it's just because I've used Teppei and Lam Fung to replace my father's position and they do give me happiness more than father does. So, I just don't want their lovely and cutie smile to fade away as human will full of lines on their face at 40. LOL...although I know this answer is very lame but I can't think of any other than this. Since I can't change anything so I think I just have to live with no regret and do something that I can do while we are still young!

LOL~ Yeah, my next goal is go to Japan and meet Teppei Koike!

Falls into sadness....

After making myself happy for quite a period, finally, I've fell into sadness again. I really wanted to get good result in my trial exam however I did badly in my english test. It has affected me very much and because of dumb ass disciplin teacher and quarrelling between my aunties and mum is really unbearable. We planned to have a trip to penang on 19 sept but seems like it is going to cancel due to some reasons (I hope not). Besides, SPM is really getting closer and closer. It's less than 80 days but I still doing nothing here. I wish I could get 6As but it seems impossible with my standard now.


Other than that, my school teachers are all bastard. They kinda look down on my class students because we are fourth class. I used to be in third class and fell to fourth. There are 10 classes in my school and you can't imagine how they treated other lower classes. They only think highly on first and second class and giving tips on them so they won't fail in their examination. Few days ago, I saw their chemistry teacher was giving tips to them with the trial examination question paper on his hand. I was like shocked and I went back to my class and asked some tips from my science teacher. She said "No tips for you guys". Same thing went to my history teacher. He said no tips for us but he gave tot the science class. Fine, I know we are not from the science class but please, don't be so bias. You guys are teachers and suppose to be a role model for us and your action encouraged science class students think they are great and special.

Whatever, I used to this kind of situation and this world is like that. I understand that and normally, I don't talk much but can you guys (teachers) please don't bug me?! You wanted to suspend me just because my hair was long? Come on, you guys have to settle those cheating on examination (especially science class since you guys think they are perfect) first. How bout those brought handphone to school? Why don't you suspend them? Because they need to pay RM50 so you don't want to suspend them? You are afraid of losing the sources of money, aren't you?

This world is really disappointing and I've wasted my youth in this rubbish school. Gosh, my heart is deeply wounded again. I need to listen to my Teppei and Lam Fung's song to recover my wounded heart.

Sayonara~

Fat Dumb Ass

I'm really mad and going to burst!!! Last week I've been caught for being in the upstair and didnt line up (read the older post to know more). Today, I went to school early and line up but that fat ass disciplin teacher still wanted to catch me because of my hair!!! I Really cant stand his ugly smile!!!!!!! When I was going back to the class after the assembly, he looked at me and gave me a ugly smile. I was like WTF with his smile and staring at him while walking to the class and suddenly he shouted at me "Come here la"! FCUK YOU!!! ARE YOU MUTE? CAN'T YOU USE YOUR BLOODY MOUTH TO TALK INSTEAD OF GIVING ME A UGLY SMILE? WHAT DO YOU EXPECT ME FROM YOUR UGLY MOUTH???!!!

It's fine. I just went to him and he said my hair is very long and warned me already on last friday. Good, so I went to disciplin room. Yes, I know it's my fault for not cutting my hair but you will never understand my pain since my hair is growing very fast. Haizz....but whatever, I know it's my fault but I JUST CAN'T STAND THIS FCUKER!!!!!! HE DOESN'T LOOK LIKE A TEACHER AT ALL. He asked me give him a reason why I don't need to cut my hair? Geeezzzz...did I ever say I will not cut my hair? I just said my friend asked me to cut with him today. He ignored me and kept asking me the same question.

So I decided not to reply his question. It's a stupid question. I didn't say anything for around 5 mins and then he changed another question and asked me to teach him what to do. I said give me one more day because my friend asked me to cut today. That damn fcuker said " How come? I oredi warned you last friday. You "ENGKAR ARAHAN"! FCUK!!!!!!!! Hey, please! If you wish to speak in english, please speak in english and not half english half bahasa melayu. Hey, what engkar arahan? Am I your "Shinobi"? He talked like he is the boss and gave me a very important mission to do and I have failed him....=.=lllll

Since he is a stuborn dumb ass, I tried myself to be calm and spoke in pleasant way. "Sir, yes. I didn't cut my hair but I'll cut it today. My friend asked me to go with him on today." Wow, what a good teacher! He taught me about science, sperm. He said I'm already 17 and can be a father already. Is it need to have a companion? Nah, from here we can see what a person he is. He doesn't understand our young world and not even bother to understand. Of course I can cut my hair by myself but hey, aren't you preferably to do something with your friends?

He had started talking about how i become a father at the age of 17 so I just listened to him. I didn't give him much response and he said " I can gantung you mah"!!!! Gosh!!!! YES! GANTUNG ME BECAUSE MY HAIR IS LONG, RIGHT? BUT YOU DIDN'T TAKE ACTION ON THOSE WHO PONTENG SEKOLAH, VANDALISMS, CHEATED DURING EXAM, PONTENG CLASS AND MORE!!! What kind of teacher you are, fat asss!!!??? Go to die!!!!!

You are well-known for making a small problem into a very big. It's very unlucky to bump into such a fat ass! So finally, he gave me a warning letter and accused me ponteng. OH MY GOD, TELL ME WHAT KIND OF PERSON HE IS? SINCE WHEN I PONTENG? GEEEZZZZZ.....and I ignored him and left the room and headed back to class. Again, in my class. I'm lonely. Nobody seems to care about me. I didn't know who has taken my chair so I just went somewhere and asked for the chair but that person not even look at me or talk to me. WTH? Am i invinsible? I got mad and just took the chair away....

I really appreciate for what Teppei has done for me. He really made my day much brighter but too bad those ppl around me keep trying to make me fall into darkness.

Chunin or Genin?

I thought my english is pretty okey just like a "Chuunin" in the naruto animation series. Too bad I've just realized that I'm a "Genin" instead of Chuunin because I did badly in my english test yesterday. The mistake that I've made is not suppose to be made by a "Chuunin". They were two essays given and I couldn't finish the section A. 35 mark!!!! Gosh!!! I feel very disappointed with myself and I felt upset for the whole day. Fortunately, my HDJM comforted me and cheered me up.

Anyway, that incident still takes effect on me until today. This morning, I felt a little sad though and I was late to school today. So, I didn't go to line up and walked to the class directly. While I was waiting for my classmate, a bastard worker saw me standing in front of the class and called the disciplin teacher. The stupid disciplin teacher came and scolded me for being there since 7.30a.m. He even wrote down my name. What a jerk. Then, he said I suppose to go line up before entering the class and I replied to him that I was late so I went to the classroom and get ready for the exam.

That jerk said "Oh,another "kesalahan" for being late to school" and wrote down in his note book. WTF???? HEY, HEY, HEY!!!!!! Don't you think that you have to question that bastard worker for accusing me I had been there since 7.30am? If you trust in that worker than you shouldn't write that I was late to school! He was just standing beside you, fatso! Why don't you ask him? Actually I reached the school at 7.35am but I didn't get the "green paper" so I wasn't consider late to school! I said I was late just because I wanted to prove that I wasn't there at 7.30am and since I was late to school so I went to the classroom instead of going to line up because everyone had to go up to the classroom soon.

The thing that I got mad is about myself. Do you know what did I do? I apologized to that fat ass disciplin teacher. I was still very sad because of the english test incident. I got no mood to talk back so I just said sorry and left. OMG!!! What happened to me? How could I say sorry to that fatso????? I guess that incident affected me very much and I took a nap in the class. I got no choice but to sleep because I would feel much better after taking a nap.

I really feel very disappointed with myself this time because those mistake shouldn't be done at all! I shouldn't write too long for the essay section B. 600 hundred words++! And while taking the english paper 2 examination, I wanted to go toilet but those bitchy cleaners were cleaning the toilet. They scolded me for entering the toilet so I got no choice and went back to classroom. However, I couldn't concentrate at all and I went to toilet for few times to check whether those bitchy finished cleaning the toilet. See, this mistake shouldn't be done at all. I guess all the parents have told their children to go toilet first before taking any exam incase you need to go toilet during the examination.

Second, I should have talked back to that fatso disciplin teacher this morning. I knew I was very upset but at least I could have keep my mouth shut. I never expected that I would say sorry to that fatso. I never liked him.

OMG...I'm seriously disappointed with myself for being useless. Somehow I think I don't dseserve for the "Genin" title as well. Maybe I'm still a "Ninja Academy Student". It's still far away for me to become a "Hokage".

Face the reality

Girl, do not cry anymore. Let's face the reality together!

Very sad. I've been tried to escape from the reality for years. Finally, I chose not to escape anymore. Everytime I want to escape from the reality I will be badly injured.

My heart is wounded for countless times. I hope this might be the last time. I think it's really time for me to wake up. This is his decision. I wont push myself anymore. I wont force myself to like him anymore due to the loliness in my heart.

No matter how lonely I'm, I know God will be always with me.

God, please guide me to walk this rocky path. I don't want to be hurted by anyone anymore....

Feel very Down

Dear diary, -.-

Dear blog,
I'm facing a lot of stress now.
I'm really fed up with examination. My result is getting worse and I still haven't finished my moral project yet. This is not the worst. I have just watched something that making me feel uneasy. I don't have mood to do anything now. I just feel like there is something in my heart and making me feel uneasy.

Gosh, I'm really sick with this and I can be very sure to tell you that my "illness" is still haven't recovered yet. When Am I going to "recover" from this?? and SPM is getting nearer but I just got no motivation to study. I just feel sad~~~

My dream is end and everything is end. I'm just like Tidus. When the dream has ended and I will be going to vanish into thin air....Don't get me wrong! I'm not going to suicide but I just lost my spirit. Will I recover from this?

Another crisis in my home!

Sigh...sigh....today is suppose a happy day but I went late to home and get scolded from my parents. Hmm...this time, i think is really my fault because it was already 8.00p.m when I reached my house.

I'm sure you feel puzzle why I did go home late. It's just because I went to look for the cross pendant and watched Dragon Ball: Evolution. It was only 5.45 when I was leaving Time Square but because of the damn bus, I had to wait for 45 mins and reached my home's bus stop at 7.50 p.m. I wanted to make a call first but i was afraid if the bus come when I going to call my parents. when reached the bus stop, I ran from the bus stop to my house even carrying the heavy bag...

When I reached home, Wow, my father flamed me directly. He bla bla a lot and my mum called so many people to find me already. I feel so embarassing. If would be good if I get off from the bus and call my mother first but I can't be so selfish because I was not alone and my friend was taking the same bus with me and she is a girl plus, her house is just beside my house.

If you are asking me why don't I call my mum before that, I only can say that I didn't expect the lateness of stupid bus and my mother usually come back at 9.00p.m. I have no idea why she came back so early today. My mom asked my youngest auntie whether she knows if i go anywhere because I have a very good relationship with my auntie and my auntie said i went to watch dragon ball with Kher Huey (my dearest HDJM) but my mum didn't believe that. Luckily, my auntie stood on my side when my parents were flaming me. Oh, TQ my youngest auntie. You are so nice~ Love you forever! Now i can cleary say that you are the another person that can make me happy besides Fung.

Haiz, the thing making me sad is even my auntie knew where did I go but not my mum...maybe it's not her fault but my fault because not telling my mum the thing in my heart. Anyway, I really think this time is my fault because being a so irresponsible boy. I'm going to be 17 but I still.....sigh.....

Oh, God. Please forgive me....